I was not allowed to think of him. That was something I tried to be very strict about. Of course I slipped; I was only human. But I was getting better, and so the pain was something I could avoid for days at a time now. The trade off was the never-ending numbness. Between pain and nothing, I’d chosen nothing.
Bella Swan, New Moon, Chapter 4, p.113 **(Great Quote)**
You would think that reading this back in April would have made things worse. But it actually made them better these books where my get-a-away from reality...Thats why I love them so much...Not like everyone else loves them because of a movie or a fad... Because they helped me. I will forever be grateful for the day I stumbled upon Twilight in the bookstore.
Today I feel like shit.. I am getting sick...I can feel the symptoms... Watery Eyes, Sore Throat, Ear ache, Body ache... Wonderful just what I freaking need. NOT! The only bright side to this is that when I am sick I don't feel like eating. =) Yes Yes...I know, Bad.
Blah Blah Blah...Long weekend here I come.
I am fighting with myself on a daily basis. For many reasons. One of many is my problem with pulling. Today ...I have decided that if I do it, I will make a cut on my fingers. I don't want to go through it all over again.
Life is super simple, it's the people in it that make it complicated. Everything is getting more and more complicated, more and more confusing... Yet I am happy. The complications and confusions are just minor right now, but I know how they can blow up and how big they can blow up...I've seen it. Lately the bad feelings are there but nothing happens like it usually does... I think its building. Bad feelings are going to keep coming and nothing its going to happen and then drop a huge bomb. Thats what I think will happen...I am not going to lie I am so scared.
Besides that I am thinking of writing a book in the next few years, I already have a name for it Blink of an Eye, Its going to be about a girl(obviously), the story is her story, but it surrounds 4 characters specifically and how their lives collide changing their futures. Something along those lines. Thats my goal #67 Write a book and have it published.
Thanksgiving weekend is coming up ... I want to paint my room.
Starting (I should have left it like this.)
End. (Eh, whatever.)
So many new possibilities unfolding before me. So many different new paths, new choices, new everything...Even a new me.
My future is always uncertain, the life that I will lead is all up to me. My choice, my decisions...All me.
Failure is not an option.
And if life hits me once more, I will get back up and hit it twice as hard.
Then they will all know who is really Miry.
Yea, pretty much.
I saw this and really liked it.
He taught me what hate really is.
He taught me how cruel one person can be.
He taught me that trust is never to be given fully.
He taught me that no one is who they say they are, truly.
He taught me how to protect myself.
He taught me how to be stronger.
He taught me to look at life a different way.
He taught me that I need to be one step ahead of the game.
He taught me that my friends are there for me 100%.
He taught me to hate Mercedes Benz.
He taught me to let go.
He taught me what lying and dishonesty really was.
He taught me that I am number 1 priority.
He changed me.
Thank you.
Sometimes, the questions are simple,
but the answers are complicated.
What I want and what I need are totally different things.
I know what I have to do when the time comes.
There's no other way to protect myself than to be cold and distant...
...when the time comes.
Not everyone is who they seem to be and not everyone see who I really am. And because they don't see the real me ...they are in danger.
Danger... Yes a danger to the heart. I will be your biggest mistake. Pain is what I've known this year and pain is what he will feel...
...when the time comes.
The beginning came to an end too soon and what stayed behind...what lingered in my heart and my mind was only pain that you planted.
I won't say that I miss who used to be ...because I don't. I like who I have become. The heartless bitch that has taken over me. I can't get hurt. I refuse to get hurt again.
These words: I love you, I care about you, I miss you, Thinking about you... Don't have any effect on me whatsoever... Ive gotten better at ignoring you...I've gotten better at not giving a shit about anyone. I've gotten comfortable being alone.
Being alone... Sad as it is... Its comfortable...No one can Lie to me. No one can hurt me....Just being alone.
The Sad Part is I want to Love someone and I want someone to Love Me.
So you see The answer to a simple question is truly complicated.
2008 is not over yet...I only have 6 more books to go to reach my 30 books goal for this year, regardless I have made a list of books that I will read in 2009. It consists of 35 books. 35 is the goal.
2009 Book List
1. Atlas Shrugged by: Ann Rand
2. Untamed by: PC Cast & Kristin Cast
3. To Kill a Mockingbird: Harper Lee
4. This Side of Paradise: F. Scott Fitzgerald
5. Peter Pan: J.M. Barrie
6. The Great Gatsby: F. Scott Fitzgerald
7. A Separate Peace: John Knowles
8. The Catcher in the Rye: J. D. Salinger
9. On the Road: Jack Kerouac
10. Naked Lunch: William S. Burroughs
11. Walden: Henry David Thoreau
12. Hamlet: William Shakespeare
13. The Stranger: Albert Camus
14. The Fountainhead: Ayn Rand
15. The Perks of Bein a Wallflower: Stephen Chbosky
16. The Truth About Forever: Sarah Dessen
17. This Lullaby: Sarah Dessen
18. Blacklisted: Gena Showalter
19. Wicked Lovely: Melissa Mar
20. The Silver Metal Lover: Tanith Lee
21. Fantasy Lover: Sherrilyn Kenyon
22. Kusiels Dart: Jaqueline Carey
23. Beauty: Robin McKinley
24. The Mists of Avalon: Marion Zimmer Bradly
25. Paradise Lost: Milton
26. The Gates of Fire: Steven Pressfield
27. Watchers: Dean Koonts
28. Dracula: Bram Stocker
29. Be More Chill by: Ned Vizzini
30. True Believer by: Nicholas Sparks
31. The Mediator: Twilight by: Meg Cabot
32. Keturah and Lord Death by: Martine Leavitt
33. Vampires: The Occult Truth (Llewellyn Truth About Series): by Konstantinos
34. SAVOR ME SLOWLY: by Gena Showalter
35. Immortal by: PC Cast
36. Goddess of The Sea by: PC Cast
37. Midnight Alley by: Rachel Caine
38. Divine By Blood by: PC Cast
39. MOONGAZER by: Marianne Mancusi
40. Divine By Choice by: P.C. Cast
41.
He still leads me on...he has been doing it for quite some time.
All lies, always lies, forever lies...Nothing more than Lies.
He can't give me a clean break, Why is this? Does he want to keep me there
until he is ready?
Does he think I am a retard I know he lies through his teeth... I know about all the lies and I know all his secrets.
I won't budge again and not a word will I say...I'm just going to turn the other way. I won't let him back in my life again... This time he stays out and far away from me. I have actually thought of changing my phone number. But it will give me great pleasure when he tries to contact me and I will not respond.
Last night I was talking about this situation to my cousin...as she states
"Miry, I am going to tell you this as nice as possible...Get over him... and I will tell you why, because you are beautiful and a good person.. those pretty and good people are hard to find...so your prettyness and goodness should not be wasted on garbage."
She is Right. She always is.
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