Oh Wait.... I know

3:00 AM Unknown 1 Comments

I decided I wasn't going to be weak anymore, innocent anymore, gullible anymore, stepped all over anymore, depressed anymore...

I decided that if the damage has already been done, why not use this as a tool. Yes a tool. Pain, Anger, Hurt... all put to good use. To take who I used to be and not change her... But make her better... Make her unstoppable, irresistible, smarter...I can say many other things but there is no need really. Its taken me more than a couple of years to figure out who I am, who I am supposed to be, Im not supposed to be anyone really, only myself and myself is whoever it is that I want to be. All it takes is a little re-wiring, patience, and inspiration.

I know who I am. I know what I am capable of, and by that I mean no one should get in my way. Not even the voice of fear or uncertainty. Those words are now and forever more erased from my vocabulary.

I also understand that along the way I will hurt people I care about. And I will destroy those who try to destroy me. Its life right, kill or be killed. And the harsh truth is that no one really has your best interest at heart aside from maybe your parents or really close relatives and maybe that one special friend who actually gets you and encourages all the craziness... but that’s pretty much it. Everyone else secretly hopes that you don't succeed that you don't make it because they see the potential in you but are envious that you may be able to have another kind of life then their boring and uneventful 9-5, same routine everyday kind of ordeal.

Example:
Mario- 37 year old prick who has never married has no children, own his own insurance company, and make about 100 grand a year, and he’s cheap, go figure.
Relation: Cousin
I mean seriously, there are more family members that he can pick on and have arguments with right? He can choose Made who enjoys arguments till there is no end, or Annabelle who is smart and intellectual, or Mabelle that little girl would put him in his place before he opens his mouth, or maybe any of our other cousins or my brother and sister who are closer to his age… Why pick on me? Usually I don’t like any problems with the family and yet he manages to always have something to say about what I am doing or what I am talking about or the way I dress or anything. Let’s just put it like this… Me and anyone else in the family could be sitting right next to each other let’s say as an example reading the same book or dressed practically the same… The attention will still be directed at me in a negative way.
And it’s not only him its all of them, the others just do it behind my back. They talk about all sorts of negative things to my father about me.

But it's ok, that’s all about to change very soon, actually its been changing and they are taking notice. But its only the beginning because I am getting ready. For what you ask, to put them in their place without words, because I am better than they are.

I am still and will remain the sweet girl on the inside but the hard impenetrable bitch on the outside. Call it defense mechanism, call it whatever you want. In the end it is me who deals with this. Whether the consequences are good or bad.

I think I have run out of things to say… maybe that explains a bit about me. Maybe it doesn’t, maybe I just needed to talk to someone about all this shit I have been thinking and the keyboard was my only outlet at this time of night.

At least I have figured a lot of things out.


No More Sorrow - Linkin Park